My Depression and Hospitalization
June 13, 2023Challenges of Grief
June 16, 2023
There are so many surprises in life - both good and bad. I was surprised that Jamaal actually passed away despite the doctors' warnings. The truth is that I was still hoping for a massive miracle in which Jamaal made a full recovery in the body he was in so that I could have him with me a bit longer. I was still hoping that his lungs and other organs would cooperate with our (my husband's and my) plans for life. How could our plans be realized if he didn't live? How could I continue living without him by my side? How was I supposed to raise our children alone? What was I going to do now? I had more questions than answers.
I'm disappointed that my hopes were not and are not my reality. I'm disappointed that I have to do some stuff alone (or seemingly alone) and that our plans won't happen here on Earth. When a spouse dies, it isn't just the loss of that person that you mourn but also all of the plans that you both had. It's a lot to lose all at once. Additionally, I had to try to offer the children some comfort for their plans with their father that they feel they've lost too. Plans such as the one my son had of him and his father throwing and catching a football together, going on fishing trips, hunting, talking about all things computer and coding, and grilling or smoking meats together. It was a lot for all of us to take in and deal with simultaneously. It was a lot of loss to deal with at once.
Life is riddled with disappointment; however, I have hope that our plans aren't lost or canceled - they are only delayed or postponed. My faith in Jesus Christ helped me rekindle my hope; now I hope in some of the same plans, but also new, different, and better plans in a place exceedingly better than this one. I realize I have much to look forward to, and God's plans are superior to any I could have dreamed up. God is so good and generous that I can allow myself to hope in a future in which my husband and I are never separated again.
Some Scriptures that allowed me to understand and not give up hope were:
- "Many plans are in a man's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail." - Proverbs 19:21 HCSB
- "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9 HCSB
- "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 HCSB
- "'For I know the plans I have for you' -- this is the Lord's declaration -- 'plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11 HCSB
- "Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be achieved." - Proverbs 16:3 HCSB
- "Yahweh, You are my God; I will exalt You. I will praise Your name, for You have accomplished wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness." - Isaiah 25:1 HCSB
- "Lord my God, You have done many things -- Your wonderful works and Your plans for us; none can compare with You. If I were to report and speak of them, they are more than can be told." - Psalms 40:5 HCSB
For me, these verses are comforting; they show me that God's plans will always happen, that He cares about our plans, and that I don't have to give up the dreams that my husband and I shared. I can continue to dream, to make plans, to hope for our future and to rest in God's promises because He is faithful.