Residual Grief

What a month August has been! It all started with a letter from our sheriff's office to Jamaal summoning him for jury duty - luckily, all I had to do was complete an online response form informing them of his passing. After that, I finally mustered up the courage, and I needed to put a few bills in my name. I also had to make changes to our auto and homeowners insurance. I didn't think putting bills in my name would sting as much as it did. I had to put our internet service account, cell phone provider account, and auto and homeowners insurance policies in my name all in the same week. It was more emotional for me than I expected it would be.

Additionally, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the chain I wear with Jamaal's wedding band and Thumbie broke. This was very distressing, and I had to work really hard not to cry in public. A couple of days later, my anklet broke - the anklet my sweet husband bought for me as an anniversary gift. It had the birthstones for each person in our family and the birthstone for the month of our anniversary. It's one of the most thoughtful gifts Jamaal surprised me with. I love this anklet, and I cried when it broke. I was hoping to wear it until I die. I was going to pass it down to our daughter. So many plans are still getting altered. And more things to learn to accept.

I miss receiving text messages from my husband - stopping service to his cell phone hurt more than I thought, and I wish I didn't have to. The broken chain and anklet saddened me the most; in my overwhelming sorrow over these things, I took my emotions to the Lord in prayer. I miss Jamaal's reassurance and confidence that everything would be alright; in my prayer time with God, He reminded me that these items are temporary and weren't meant to last forever. He graciously, kindly, and gently reminded me that there are better things in heaven, and those items will never break. I know He's correct (obviously), and I've had to go about accepting more new realities. I've had to ask God to heal these wounds, too, just like He healed the older ones. This feels almost like a major setback in my grief journey. These new emotional pains have exhausted me; sometimes, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Clearly, I'm still working through my emotions, and I keep reminding myself of Matthew 6:19-21. I must remember that heavenly treasures and rewards are far better than the jewelry I'm crying over. It doesn't always stop me from crying, but it does help me to let go of these things more easily and to remove my emotional attachment to them. It's currently a work in progress, but I know I can't take any of it with me.

I will continue to work on this - I will continue to pray on this if I find myself repeatedly struggling with my emotions over this. At least I still have the jewelry, and it's not lost somewhere that would make it difficult to find it. Both my anklet and necklace could have broken in a grocery store or other business establishment. I'm glad I didn't lose them altogether; they may be broken, and I'm unable to wear them, but at least I still have them with me. It all could have been worse, so I'm definitely grateful things happened the way they did. In this situation, a few Scriptures come to mind:

1. "Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don't break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:19-21 HCSB.
2. "I don't say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content - whether well fed or hungry, where in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-13 HCSB.
3. "And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful." -Colossians 3:15 HCSB.