God’s Presence
July 12, 2023Letting Go
July 25, 2023
Priorities change over time for many people. Since 2021 my priorities have changed - they align with what I care about now. I'm going, to be honest, there are things that people care about that I don't. Things that used to matter so much to me don't anymore - I don't think about the same stuff I used to. I don't look at and tackle problems the same way; I don't even drive the same way I used to. The sudden passing of Jamaal makes so many of life's issues so small. Things I usually get upset about or annoyed with don't cause the same reaction anymore. My whole mindset has changed, and what I prioritize now reflects that.
I prioritize prayer time and Bible study for my mental health. This journey is too difficult for me to navigate on my own, and it's clear that I need to rely on Jesus more and more. I prioritize spending time with the kids and ensuring they spend time with their friends. I prioritize service to God and involvement in our church, which govern how our time is spent and what we choose to do and do not choose to do. It determines my day - I have to schedule Bible study and prayer time into my day because I know that participating in those activities is beneficial for me. I always feel good when the kids comment that I'm happy and that they like it when I'm in a good mood. I like getting through each day, leaning on God's strength so the kids can have a somewhat ordinary life with people that love them surrounding them. I feel I've improved as a mom because my priorities have changed. We have different experiences now than we did, and the kids have more friends to enjoy adventures with. They're enjoying spending time with their friends.
I hope to impart these same priorities to our children so they can experience God's peace and joy as I do so that their decision-making will be thoughtful and driven by thinking that exhibits a close relationship with God. Now that my priorities have changed, it is easy not to be so emotional about much of anything. It is easier to think about God and heaven and to emphasize constant, eternal things than to focus on temporary, earthly things. It is easier to meditate on eternity; it is fun to daydream about what Jamaal and I might do together; even though I know I could be wrong about some things, it doesn't deter me from considering it. I imagine Jamaal and me enjoying coffee together again at a coffee shop or cafe. I envision us walking through the most beautiful park or garden and going whale watching - something I've wanted to do with Jamaal for a while. I think about us cooking together again and enjoying that meal. There are so many things, and I get excited at the thought of doing anything with Jamaal again.
It's comforting to think about a future with Jamaal in a far better place than this. Then I am thrilled when I think about all of the amazing activities Jamaal and I could and will do together in heaven and being fully in the presence of our Lord and Savior and each other. My husband may be gone from my sight, but he is not gone from my presence. I'm grateful to God for that; He is faithful and worthy of praise.