Priorities
July 16, 2023My Struggle with Fear
August 3, 2023
Most of the time, letting go is so hard to do. I don't know if I'm releasing my husband or if he needs to be released, but I know Jamaal is as much with me as he is with God. I know that I live life each day as I walk my dog and continue homeschooling the children. I have only released Jamaal's physical body - fully understanding that I won't see this physical body until the New Heaven and New Earth. However, I hold on tightly to my husband's spirit, our old and new memories, our love for each other, and our hope in Jesus for eternal life and seeing each other again. The only things I have let go of are our plans while we were on earth; those were difficult to let go of on their own. It was an additional sorrow to drop all these dreams and goals we had planned. I questioned whether it was worth it to form new goals and dreams; after much deliberation, I thought it best to let God give me new ones. He is eternal, and any plans He has for me are better than any I could come up with on my own.
I have released most things to God and trust in His timing - I tried to take back control of income from God only to be left with worry, stress, and anxiety. I had to pray to God, asking Him to help me give it back to Him and to trust in His plan and will for my life. God is always good and my provider, so I just need to trust in Him and let Him work. In doing this, God has already blessed my obedience and surrender to His will. I love watching God's work and power in my life. He is amazing. I love Him, and thinking about all God has done for me since Jamaal's passing, I get excited about the future - eternity. God will continue to do great things.
A project that I started not long after Jamaal passed away was, what I call, a collage wall. My husband and I are photographers, so he took many pictures and had some pictures of him taken. Many friends of ours and his began sharing and sending photos of him to me. I also took many pictures of him - most were taken while we were dating. I used to photograph him so frequently that he began calling me the paparazzi. I'm glad I took all of them too! I have preserved these memories through the collage wall - pictures of him, him and I, him and our children, him at work, him with friends, and more; there are old pictures and new pictures, and some of our favorite Scriptures on it. It has been a relaxing process, and I always feel at peace while working on it and after I stop. I continue to work on this project whenever the mood strikes me, and sometimes I simply stare at it, taking it all in.