Challenges of Grief
June 16, 2023Recommended Books
July 12, 2023
Have you ever said or done something you regretted? Have you ever said or done anything because you were angry? Unfortunately, I've done this numerous times during my short life, but none compare to the time I acted out in anger after I took my husband to the hospital to treat his illness. When I think about my decisions, I feel disappointment in myself, regret, guilt, and profound sadness.
When I brought my husband to the emergency room at the VA hospital, I had to drop him off at the front door while I went to park the car. By the time I finished parking the car and made my way inside, the nurse that was wheeling him into the back told me that I couldn't be in there. It was during the height of the pandemic, so I understand the reasoning, but I still believe she could have found a better way to convey that information to me. I was so angry with her that I sat outside the ER on a bench and cried, then I hopped back in my car, picked up the kids from my parent's house, and headed home after speaking with the doctor. As we were heading home, Jamaal called me to tell me he loved me and to hear me say it back to him before they sedated and intubated him. He also wanted to speak with the kids. That was at a moment in the drive when cell phone reception wasn't great, so it was a quick call, and I just wish I had stayed. I wish I could just touch him, pray with him, look him in the eyes, and tell him that I love him. I feel guilt AND regret over that still. If I had known it would turn out this way, I would have been glued to the spot.
That memory - those moments - still brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel so guilty for getting caught up in my anger that I would make a series of bad, impulsive, and selfish decisions that I would later regret. I should have remained focused on being there for Jamaal rather than on myself and my emotions. I cringe when I think about how I behaved. I should have waited at the VA to speak with a doctor in person; I could have asked if I could see and pray with my husband again. This event is the one instance in which I asked myself, "why"? Why did I choose this moment to behave in such a way? Why didn't I simply wait outside the ER? Why didn't I stay at my parent's house, which is closer to the hospital than where we live? Why was I so determined to drive home? Why didn't I think that he could pass away? Why? What was I thinking? The truth is that I was only thinking about myself and my feelings - a horrible truth. There were so many moments when I felt guilty about my decision because I should have done something different.
On top of my grief, I was burdened with regret, guilt, and shame. I wrote Jamaal letters apologizing for my behavior and prayed fervently to God about this. I asked God for forgiveness and reminded myself that this is why God tells us to be slow to become angry - it could lead to the exact feelings I experienced. I surrendered myself and my emotions to my Lord and Savior. I asked Him to help me remain calm and unemotional in times of distress, especially when people need me, and I asked Him to help change my thinking, speech, decision-making, and actions. I'm grateful that God is forgiving, loving, patient, and kind. I do not wish to make this mistake again in my life. I have accepted the sad reality that my Jamaal is no longer in his physical body, and I am ok with that - his body was causing him pain anyway. I have accepted that I'll always miss him and everything about him until I see him again, but I'm focused on God and eternity in heaven with Him and Jamaal. I wonder what we'll do there, how we'll spend time together and how marvelous it will be. This is the part of my future I try to imagine the most because it's the most exciting; it brings me the most joy, peace, and comfort. It's something I look forward to.
Here are some Scriptures that helped me deal with these difficult feelings and learn from them:
- "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9 HCSB
- "For You, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, rich in faithful love to all who call on You." -Psalms 86:5 HCSB
- "My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness." -James 1:19-20 HCSB
- "Refrain from anger and give up your rage; do not be agitated - it can only bring harm." -Psalms 37:8 HCSB
- "A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath." -Proverbs 15:1 HCSB
- "Don't let your spirit rush to be angry, for anger abides in the heart of fools." -Ecclesiastes 7:9 HCSB (This one cut deep because it is true and my actions prove it).
- "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it in check." -Proverbs 29:11 HCSB
What I did really was foolish - I failed to show my husband love in the moment when he needed me the most. I have learned so much from this one experience.