Challenges of Grief

Grief comes with so many challenges - life is challenging enough on its own, but grief adds a layer to it. Simply trying to get through one day is exhausting when managing grief on top of daily chores and routines. We've encountered so many challenging situations and events in the year and a half since Jamaal passed to eternity. I'm sure I'll have more to add to this list, but this is what I've got so far: 

• Eating out at first was sadder and more challenging than I anticipated. The first time we ate out, we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant that we used to eat in often. We sat in a booth, my favorite type of seating, and I was in tears before the waitress could bring the chips and salsa to the table. I was confident I could handle the experience but learned it was too soon. I decided to be patient with myself by not pushing myself too far too quickly. I continued to force myself to eat out at restaurants my husband, and I frequented. 
• Wrapping presents the first Christmas was almost normal, but then I just broke down crying, realizing that my husband would usually be watching me wrap them all. His absence was overwhelming, and I wanted to stop, but I finished the job and was proud of my perseverance and accomplishment. I've learned to celebrate each victory, no matter how small. 
• Listening to music - something Jamaal and I love to do and something I used to cope with many of life's difficult times - was very difficult at times and almost healing at other times. One time I was listening to music while cleaning the house and listening to one of Jamaal's favorite albums when I started crying because I missed seeing him dancing, cooking, or working. I had to stop momentarily and head to my room to compose myself. Be patient with yourself and take the time you need for yourself when dealing with grief and distressing situations. 
• Going to the grocery store was emotionally painful. We used to go to the grocery store together and enjoyed each other's company no matter what we were up to. It's not any easier now that it has been a few years since Jamaal's passed, but I keep going. 
• Driving was sad - we would hold hands while Jamaal drove us around, and I loved that. I miss holding his hands, hearing his voice, chatting him up, listening to music, and going places with him. 
• Hanging out with my married friends was hard and still is sometimes. I forced myself to do it anyway because they're good friends who have been there for Jamaal and me when he was in the hospital and for me after Jamaal passed away. Spending time with them helped prepare me to join and attend a weekly homeschool group. It's lovely to have good friends. 
• Grilling using Jamaal's grill for the first time also made me cry. I haven't used it since that day, but I plan to use it again sometime. Eventually, I'll get to a point where it will not be so sorrowful.
• Getting our Kia (I named my car Bertha) registered in my name was emotional and distressing. First, since my husband didn't have a will, I had to take the title to the magistrate's office for them to basically give me permission to own the vehicle. I discovered that I could only claim up to $62,500 worth of my husband's assets and would have to go through this process with our other vehicle. After that, I had to take this documentation down to the DMV to request the title be put in my name. I didn't have the correct documentation the first 2-3 times I showed up there, and each time I went there to take care of this issue, the employees felt the need to remind me that he had passed away as if I wasn't already aware. Not all of them were bad, but it was an experience I didn't wish to repeat. 
• Another more recent challenge I ran into was updating my information with my primary care doctor - I had to update my emergency contact information. I didn't think it would hurt as much as it did, but I wanted to put my husband as my emergency contact and knew I couldn't. I cried then, too - I reluctantly listed my father as my emergency contact, which is no slight on him - he's a great dad, but he's no Jamaal. It was an unexpected hurt since I didn't think I would have to update this information. 
• One day I turned on a movie as background noise while I cleaned. It was a movie Jamaal enjoyed but not one of my favorites. It was a science fiction movie about a woman who the government hired to help them communicate with some aliens who had landed on Earth. Towards the end of the film, she is with the man who eventually becomes her husband, and she tells him as they're hugging, "I forgot what it felt like to be held by you." Until this point, I had not considered that as an option, and it made me so extremely sad. I didn't want to forget my husband's touch, the warmth of his body, what it felt like to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, talk to him, rub his chest, and so much more. It almost scared me, and I had to step into our bedroom to compose myself. 

Honestly, numerous other moments have been challenging to deal with, but I can't remember each one at the moment. Some are more obvious, like having to sleep alone now and doing all of the house chores. Some organizations use the same hold music as the Veteran's Administration, and hearing it brings back all the sad memories of Jamaal in the hospital. There were times when I expected the possibility of emotional pain, and there were other times when it was completely unexpected, caught me off guard, and I had to stop what I was doing or take a few minutes to myself before returning. 

Not much time has transpired since Jamaal passed away, but there are still times when I struggle with sorrow and missing him. I understand that these moments may never stop and that my grief will more than likely never go away, but I know that with God, all things are possible, and "I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 HCSB).